Navigating Relationship: The Difference Between Setting Boundaries and Building Walls
- Your Story Counselling
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Many people tell us they are “working on boundaries,” yet still feel disconnected, lonely, or misunderstood in their relationships.
Others worry that if they start setting boundaries, they will:
Push people away
Hurt their partner or family
Be seen as selfish, cold, or uncaring
This confusion is common. One of the most frequent patterns we see in therapy is the mix-up between healthy boundaries and emotional walls.
They may look similar on the surface, but they serve very different purposes.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Boundaries are about clarity and self-respect, not control or distance.
Healthy boundaries:
Communicate what you need to stay emotionally regulated
Protect your capacity for connection
Allow relationships to feel safer, not smaller
Are about what you will do, not what someone else must do
As therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab explains, boundaries are not demands. They are commitments you make to yourself in order to maintain your well-being.
When boundaries are working well, relationships often feel more honest, predictable, and grounded.
What Are Emotional Walls?
Emotional walls are built when connection feels unsafe.
Walls are often created after repeated experiences of:
Being dismissed or criticized
Emotional neglect
Conflict without repair
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
Walls look like:
Withholding feelings
Avoiding vulnerability
Shutting down instead of speaking up
“I don’t care anymore” as a form of protection
Unlike boundaries, walls reduce intimacy. They keep pain out, but they also keep closeness away.
Why People-Pleasers Often Struggle Here
Many people-pleasers learned early on that:
Being easygoing kept the peace
Needs caused tension
Saying no led to guilt or rejection
When people-pleasers finally try to “set boundaries,” they may swing to the other extreme and build walls instead. This can feel empowering at first, but over time it often leads to isolation or unresolved resentment.
If this resonates, you may also find this helpful:👉 Why Do I Shut Down During Conflict? Understanding the Freeze Responsehttps://www.yourstorycounselling.com/post/understanding-the-freeze-response
Cultural Context Matters
For many East Asian and South Asian clients, boundaries were not explicitly taught or modeled.
In family systems that emphasize:
Filial piety
Sacrifice
Emotional restraint
Respect through compliance
Boundaries can feel like betrayal rather than self-care.
Therapy helps differentiate between honouring cultural values and abandoning yourself. The goal is not to sever relationships, but to relate in ways that feel sustainable and emotionally safe.
How Therapy Helps You Build Boundaries Without Walls
In therapy, we focus on helping clients:
Identify what they actually need (not just what they tolerate)
Learn how to express boundaries without shutting down
Work through guilt, fear, or grief that surfaces when patterns change
Practice staying emotionally present while being firm
We often describe this as learning how to stay open without overextending, and protected without disconnecting.
If you are curious about relational patterns more broadly, this article may be a helpful companion:👉 Emotional Safety in Relationships: Why Love Alone Is Not Enoughhttps://www.yourstorycounselling.com/post/emotional-safety-relationships
When to Seek Support
You may benefit from therapy if:
You feel emotionally guarded but long for connection
Boundaries feel harsh or all-or-nothing
You struggle with guilt after saying no
Relationships feel draining rather than supportive
You do not have to navigate this alone. Boundaries are a skill, and like any skill, they can be learned with guidance and practice.
🌿 Continue Your Healing Journey
If this article resonated with you, you don’t have to navigate these feelings alone. Explore ways to connect, learn, and take your next step toward support:
Take the first step toward clarity, healing, and growth — we’re here to listen.
Get to know our compassionate team of therapists offering care in multiple languages and approaches.
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Affordable, supervised therapy sessions available through our therapist-in-training program.
Your Story Counselling Services is a multicultural, inclusive, BIPOC clinic that offers online services as well as in-person sessions in Vaughan and Markham.
Judy Lui and her team of clinicians and supervised therapist interns offer trauma-informed, clinical counselling in the form of art, play, and talk therapy. With an emphasis on social equity and justice,
Your Story offers counselling at a range of fee levels. Judy continues to see her clients, manages the clinic as Clinical Director, and mentors master ’s-level therapist interns.
Judy has been featured in the Toronto Star, where she discussed the impact of mental health struggles and the toll of COVID-19 on romantic relationships. She also co-authored a chapter in the first edition of An Intersectional Approach to Sex Therapy Centering the Lives of Indigenous, Racialized, and People of Color. She is a committee member with the Anti-Racism Advocacy Group at the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association, where she helps organize community events and panels on racial trauma and advocacy.
Judy is also one of three 2024 RBC Canadian Women Entrepreneur Awards Micro-Business Finalists and will represent the Central Canadian Region (Ontario & Montreal) for this honour.
Affordable Therapy York Region is committed to making quality mental health care more accessible across Markham, Vaughan, Concord, and the greater York Region. We offer both virtual and in-person sessions through a diverse team of supervised therapist interns and registered clinicians, with services starting as low as $20 per session.
Our clinic prioritizes culturally responsive, trauma-informed, and inclusive care, ensuring that therapy is respectful of your identity, background, and lived experience. Whether you're seeking support for anxiety, relationships, grief, or personal growth, we offer therapy that meets you where you are — emotionally and financially.
We also offer a free 15-minute consultation to help you find the right therapist fit before you commit.Learn more or get started today at www.affordabletherapyyorkregion.ca.
If you have additional questions regarding the contents of this article please feel free to contact us and we will be happy to answer you.
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Terms and Conditions of Use:
The information provided in this article is intended to be general knowledge and does not constitute as professional advice or treatment. This information is not intended for the use of diagnosis or treatment. Please do not share or distribute this article without the proper referencing or written/verbal consent of Judy Lui. Additional information can be found at www.yourstorycounselling.com or requested via info@yourstorycounselling.com
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What’s the difference between healthy boundaries and emotional walls? Learn how to protect yourself without disconnecting and how therapy can help people-pleasers find balance.
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