Spotting Communication Red Flags in Relationships — A Guide Inspired by Gottman’s Research
- Your Story Counselling
- Aug 18
- 5 min read
Poor communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek therapy. In this article, we explore the key "red flags" in communication, based on renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman’s research, including the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. We’ll also share how couples therapy can help address these patterns and build stronger, healthier relationships. If you’re seeking couples therapy in Markham or Vaughan, our team at Your Story Counselling is here to help.
Why Communication Matters
Healthy communication is at the heart of every successful relationship. When we feel seen, heard, and understood, we build trust and emotional safety. But when our communication habits become reactive, defensive, or dismissive, it can lead to resentment, disconnection, and conflict.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher, identified four communication habits that most strongly predict the breakdown of a relationship. These are known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Recognizing these habits early is the first step to changing them.
The Four Communication Red Flags (a.k.a. the Four Horsemen)
1. Criticism
Criticism attacks your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific issue.
Example: “You never listen to me. You’re so selfish.”
Healthier Alternative: Use a gentle start-up and speak about your feelings: “I feel unheard when I share something important.”
2. Contempt
Contempt is marked by sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, or mocking. It's the most destructive of the four and often signals deep-rooted resentment.
Example: “Oh, of course you’d forget—again. That’s just so typical.”
Healthier Alternative: Practice gratitude and appreciation. Reflect on what your partner does well.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or playing the victim.
Example: “It’s not my fault! You never told me!”
Healthier Alternative: Take responsibility for your part, even if it’s small: “You’re right, I missed that. I’ll try to do better next time.”
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the conversation, shutting down emotionally and mentally.
Example: Silent treatment, walking away without explanation.
Healthier Alternative: Call for a break. Say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we pause and come back to this in 20 minutes?”
How Couples Therapy Can Help
If you recognize some of these patterns in your relationship, you’re not alone. Many couples struggle with these habits, especially during times of stress, parenting, career demands, or unresolved emotional wounds.
Couples therapy offers:
A safe and structured space to rebuild communication
Support in identifying unhealthy cycles and learning better ways to connect
Tools and strategies based on evidence-informed approaches like Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
At Your Story Counselling, our team includes therapists who specialize in working with couples. We proudly serve clients across Markham, Vaughan, and the greater York Region, with both in-person and virtual options available.
Ready to Rebuild Connection?
It takes courage to ask for help—and reaching out for support can be a powerful act of love. Whether you’re navigating daily miscommunication or considering separation, therapy can help you both get clarity and move forward.
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Your Story Counselling Services is a multicultural, inclusive, BIPOC clinic that offers online services as well as in-person sessions in Vaughan and Markham.
Judy Lui and her team of clinicians and supervised therapist interns offer trauma-informed, clinical counselling in the form of art, play, and talk therapy. With an emphasis on social equity and justice,
Your Story offers counselling at a range of fee levels. Judy continues to see her clients, manages the clinic as Clinical Director, and mentors master ’s-level therapist interns.
Judy has been featured in the Toronto Star, where she discussed the impact of mental health struggles and the toll of COVID-19 on romantic relationships. She also co-authored a chapter in the first edition of An Intersectional Approach to Sex Therapy Centering the Lives of Indigenous, Racialized, and People of Color. She is a committee member with the Anti-Racism Advocacy Group at the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association, where she helps organize community events and panels on racial trauma and advocacy.
Judy is also one of three 2024 RBC Canadian Women Entrepreneur Awards Micro-Business Finalists and will represent the Central Canadian Region (Ontario & Montreal) for this honour.
Affordable Therapy York Region is committed to making quality mental health care more accessible across Markham, Vaughan, Concord, and the greater York Region. We offer both virtual and in-person sessions through a diverse team of supervised therapist interns and registered clinicians, with services starting as low as $20 per session.
Our clinic prioritizes culturally responsive, trauma-informed, and inclusive care, ensuring that therapy is respectful of your identity, background, and lived experience. Whether you're seeking support for anxiety, relationships, grief, or personal growth, we offer therapy that meets you where you are — emotionally and financially.
We also offer a free 15-minute consultation to help you find the right therapist fit before you commit.Learn more or get started today at www.affordabletherapyyorkregion.ca.
If you have additional questions regarding the contents of this article please feel free to contact us and we will be happy to answer you.
Should you have questions or inquiries regarding counselling and the process of counselling, please visit our FAQ page. contact us to ask questions, or learn more about our team of therapists before signing up for a free 15 minute consultation.
Terms and Conditions of Use:
The information provided in this article is intended to be general knowledge and does not constitute as professional advice or treatment. This information is not intended for the use of diagnosis or treatment. Please do not share or distribute this article without the proper referencing or written/verbal consent of Judy Lui. Additional information can be found at www.yourstorycounselling.com or requested via info@yourstorycounselling.com
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Struggling with communication in your relationship? Learn how Gottman’s Four Horsemen predict relationship breakdown—and how couples therapy in Markham or Vaughan can help.
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