The holiday season is often a time of joy and connection, but for many, it can also stir up feelings of anxiety, insecurity, or tension in relationships. These feelings may be deeply rooted in your attachment style—the way you emotionally bond with others based on early life experiences. Understanding attachment styles through the lens of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help transform how you navigate relationships, especially during the holiday season.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory explains how our earliest relationships—usually with caregivers—shape our ability to connect and form bonds with others. These early experiences influence whether we develop a secure attachment style or lean toward anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment patterns. While attachment styles are formed in childhood, they continue to affect how we interact with romantic partners, friends, and family as adults.
How CBT Helps Address Attachment-Related Challenges
CBT is a highly effective therapy that focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviours. When it comes to attachment, CBT helps by:
Identifying Core Beliefs: CBT can uncover deeply held beliefs about yourself, others, and relationships that stem from your attachment style. For instance, someone with an anxious attachment style might believe, “I’m not lovable unless I prove my worth.”
Challenging Distorted Thoughts: CBT provides tools to question and reframe unhelpful. For example, instead of assuming a loved one’s delayed reply means rejection, you can learn to consider other possibilities, such as their busy schedule.
Practicing New Behaviors: CBT encourages trying new ways of connecting, such as open communication or asking for reassurance, to break old patterns and create healthier relationship dynamics.
How Attachment Styles Manifest During the Holidays
The holidays can amplify attachment-related behaviours. Someone with an anxious attachment style may feel overly worried about maintaining harmony in family gatherings, while those with avoidant tendencies might withdraw to avoid conflict or vulnerability. Even those with a secure attachment style might find their usual coping mechanisms tested during this emotionally charged time.
Practical CBT Tips for Navigating Holiday Relationships
Pause and Reflect: Before reacting to a triggering situation, take a moment to identify your thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself, “Is this reaction based on the current situation, or is it tied to an old pattern?”
Reframe Negative Thoughts: If you catch yourself thinking, “They don’t care about me,” challenge it by finding evidence to the contrary, like past gestures of love or care.
Set Realistic Expectations: Use CBT techniques to manage perfectionist tendencies. Relationships aren’t perfect, and neither are holiday celebrations—and that’s okay.
Practice Assertive Communication: Clearly express your needs while respecting others. Instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” try, “I feel hurt when my opinions are overlooked, and I’d love to talk about this together.”
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your attachment style and develop healthier relationship patterns.
The Importance of Seeking Help
If you find that your attachment style is impacting your relationships or mental health, therapy can be an invaluable tool. CBT, in particular, can help you rewire negative thought patterns, understand your attachment style, and create stronger, more fulfilling connections with others.
Takeaway
This holiday season, consider how understanding your attachment style and using CBT techniques can transform the way you connect with loved ones. By identifying and challenging old patterns, you can build relationships that are secure, meaningful, and joyful.
Ready to Strengthen Your Relationships?
Your Story Counselling offers therapy services in Markham and Vaughan, specializing in attachment and CBT techniques. Let us help you transform your relationships this holiday season.
Your Story Counselling Services is a multicultural, inclusive BIPOC clinic that offers online services and in-person sessions in Vaughan and Markham.
Judy Lui and her team of clinicians and supervised therapist interns offer trauma-informed, clinical counselling in the form of art, play, and talk therapy. With an emphasis on social equity and justice,
Your Story offers counselling at a range of fee levels. Judy continues to see her clients, manages the clinic as Clinical Director, and mentors master ’s-level therapist interns.
Judy has been featured in the Toronto Star, where she discussed the impact of mental health struggles and the toll of COVID-19 on romantic relationships. She also co-authored a chapter in the first edition of An Intersectional Approach to Sex Therapy Centering the Lives of Indigenous, Racialized, and People of Color. She is a committee member with the Anti-Racism Advocacy Group at the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association, where she helps organize community events and panels on racial trauma and advocacy.
Judy is also one of three 2024 RBC Canadian Women Entrepreneur Awards Micro-Business Finalists and will represent the Central Ontario Region for this honour.
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The information provided in this article is intended to be general knowledge and does not constitute as professional advice or treatment. This information is not intended for the use of diagnosis or treatment. Please do not share or distribute this article without the proper referencing or written/verbal consent of Judy Lui. Additional information can be found at www.yourstorycounselling.com or requested via info@yourstorycounselling.com
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