Healing from Generational Trauma: Coming out from the shadows of your Family of Origin

We all carry the imprint of our families of origin.

It shapes how we express emotions, how we cope with stress, what we expect from intimacy, and even often without realizing, how we show up with our children.

Mimi Khúc once wrote in dear elia:

“I haven’t fully figured out how to transform my relationship with my parents, but I’m working hard to nurture my relationship with my daughter in a transformative way… It’s not just about refusing to repeat the parenting I received. It’s a difficult and ongoing labor—to create something entirely new.”

This isn’t only about parenting.

It’s about something bigger: how we learn to step out of the past and begin shaping our own ways of relating, our own possibilities for life.

How Family Patterns May Show Up in Daily Life

• Parenting: When your child is upset, you might respond the way your parents once did, sometimes without noticing, until afterward you realize, “I did it again.”

• Partnership: In conflict, do you find yourself pulling away, appeasing, or suddenly lashing out? Those patterns didn’t appear out of nowhere.

• Family ties: Around your parents or siblings, do you ever feel like you’ve slipped back into being that younger version of yourself?

• School or work: When challenges arise, do you hear that familiar voice inside, “I’m not good enough,” or “Don’t be a burden to others”?

These reactions can feel “natural,” but many of them were learned. And if they were learned, they can also be unlearned. Slowly, we can practice responding in new ways.

Creating a New Cycle: Where You Might Begin

Whether you want to break generational patterns or simply care for yourself in a deeper way, here are some places to start:

• Set boundaries: Protect yourself from endless demands and expectations. Give yourself space to breathe.

• Allow imperfection: Let yourself be vulnerable, stumble, or pause. You don’t always have to play the role of “the good one.”

• Rebuild the language of love: Practice sharing your needs and emotions instead of silencing them.

• Seek mutual support: Aim for relationships that nourish more than they drain.

• Choose boldly: When needed, step outside old rules and walk your own path.

This isn’t an easy road. It calls for steady awareness and practice.

And yet, each small step has the power to quietly change the way you relate to yourself and to the world.

If This Is Where You Find Yourself

• Facing conflict with a partner, family, or friend,

• Carrying emotions too heavy to hold alone,

• Struggling with parenting,

• Feeling the weight of school or work stress,

• Or questioning your own worth…

You don’t have to carry it by yourself.

Therapy offers a space to pause, to notice the patterns underneath, to practice new responses, and to slowly build a different cycle.

We may not be able to change the past. But we can choose how to love, how to respond, and how to create a life and home that feel freer, warmer, and more alive.

May you find companionship and hope along the way.

想要走出原生家庭的影响，可以从这几步开始

我们都带着“原生家庭的影子”在生活。它影响了我们表达情绪的方式、对待压力的习惯、对亲密关系的期待，甚至在无形中，塑造了我们和孩子的互动。

Mimi Khúc 在《dear elia》一书中曾写下这样动人的话：

“我并没有完全弄清楚如何转变与父母的关系，但我已经在努力，以一种变革性的方式培育我与女儿的关系……这不仅仅是不再复制我所接受过的教养方式，而是一份艰难而持久的劳动——去创造全新的可能。”

这段话，不只是关于“为人父母”。它触及的是一个更大的主题：我们如何从过往走出来，创造属于自己的关系模式与人生可能。

原生家庭的痕迹，可能悄悄出现在我们生活的各个角落：

• 亲子关系：当孩子情绪激动时，你的回应方式，往往延续了父母当年的做法。有时你不自觉地这样做，事后才发现“啊，我竟然又重复了”。

• 伴侣关系：争吵中，你是否习惯退缩、讨好，或者突然爆发？这些反应，并不是凭空出现的。

• 家庭关系：和父母或其他家人相处时，你是否常常觉得“我好像又回到了小时候”？

• 学习或工作压力：面对挑战，你是否会听见内心熟悉的声音——“我做得还不够好”，或者“别给别人添麻烦”？

这些反应看似“天生”，其实很多都是后来“学会的”。既然是学会的，也就有机会慢慢学会新的回应方式。

创造新的循环：你可以这样开始

无论你是想要打破代际传递，还是想更好地照顾自己、活得更接近心里真正渴望的样子，下面几个方向都值得尝试：

• 设立边界：学会不被无休止的要求和期待牵扯，而是为自己保留呼吸的空间。

• 允许“不好”：允许自己脆弱、失败、停下来，不必一直扮演那个“好的人”。

• 重建爱的语言：在关系里练习表达需求与情绪，而不是习惯性地压抑或回避。

• 互相支持：让关系成为滋养，而不是消耗；或者至少，滋养多于消耗。

• 勇敢选择：当需要时，尝试打破旧的规则，走出属于自己的道路。

这条路并不轻松，它意味着持续的觉察与练习。

但也正因为如此，每一个小小的尝试，都会在悄然间，慢慢改变你和世界的关系。

无论你正在经历的是：

• 朋友、伴侣或家庭的矛盾，

• 难以消化的情绪负担，

• 作为父母的困惑，

• 学习或职场上的压力与疲惫，

• 或是对自我价值的怀疑……

你都不必独自背负。

心理治疗的空间，就是为了让你有机会停下来，看见那些根源性的模式，练习新的回应方式，并一步步建立一个不同的循环。

或许我们不能改变过去，但我们能练习和决定：如何去爱、如何去选择，如何为自己与身边人创造一个更自由、更有温度的家与人生。

愿你在这条路上，也能感受到陪伴与希望。

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About the Author

Wenyu Yang is a Registered Psychotherapist Qualifying (RP) at Your Story Counselling Services, providing trauma-informed, culturally sensitive care to individuals and couples in English, Cantonese, and Mandarin. Wenyu specializes in supporting clients navigating anxiety, depression, grief, relationship challenges, and life transitions.

She integrates evidence-based approaches with a compassionate, client-centered style to help people build resilience and self-awareness.

Curious about therapy?

 Book a free consultation with Wenyu Yang and take the first step toward support.

Learn more about Wenyu Yang and her approach to therapy.

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