Your Story Counselling
Essential Emotionally Focused Therapy Concepts and Lessons - Improve Your Relationship Now
Maintaining a healthy relationship can be challenging, especially when conflicts arise. One of the most effective ways to address relationship issues is through therapy. One model that has proven to be successful in helping couples is Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). In this blog post, we'll explore the key concepts of EFT and how they can be applied to improve your relationship. Want to learn more? Connect with a couples therapist for a free 15-minute no obligation consultation today and see if you might benefit from speaking to a professional.
Lesson 1: Understanding attachment bonds
One of the central tenets of EFT is that humans have a fundamental need for secure attachment. We all have an innate desire to feel connected, loved, and supported by our partners. EFT focuses on identifying and understanding the attachment needs of each partner. By recognizing and addressing these needs, couples can strengthen their bond and build a more secure relationship. Want to know more about attachment bonds?
Take a look at our blog about attachment styles here!
Practical application: To apply this concept, couples can start by having a conversation about their attachment styles. Discussing how each partner experiences closeness and distance can help to foster a deeper understanding of each other's needs. Take this quiz to better understand what attachment styles you might be: https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/
Lesson 2: Emotions as a Guide
Another key concept of EFT is the belief that emotions are a guide to understanding our needs and wants. Emotions are often seen as something to be suppressed or avoided, but in EFT, they are viewed as a vital source of information about our inner experiences. In therapy, your clinician can help you and your partner trace the delicate dance of communication and emotional expression, Once better understood and mapped out, a new and improved dance can begin. One that involves fewer stepped-on toes and lost tempos. Within therapy, you will unpack the origins of why we may emotionally react differently to different situations and better understand how to control, communicate, and ask for your needs to be met in a more clear and more concise manner.
Practical application: To apply this concept, couples can practice expressing their emotions to one another in a non-judgmental way. Utilizing “I” statements rather than “You” statements, taking time outs and breaks in conversations to better name and identify the internal emotional process going on, and encouraging vulnerability and openness in the relationship. All of this can create a safe space for each partner to express their feelings and needs. Want to learn more? Connect with a couples therapist for a free 15-minute no obligation consultation today and see if you might benefit from speaking to a professional.
Lesson 3: The power of validation
EFT also emphasizes the importance of validation in relationships. Validation is the process of acknowledging and accepting your partner's feelings, experiences, and perspectives. Validation helps to build trust and strengthen the bond between partners.
Practical application: To apply this concept, couples can practice active listening and empathy. When one partner expresses their feelings, the other partner should validate those emotions and respond with empathy, such as saying "I can see why you would feel that way" or "I understand how that must have been difficult for you."
Lesson 4: The importance of repair
In any relationship, conflicts will inevitably arise. What distinguishes successful relationships from unsuccessful ones is how couples handle these conflicts. EFT emphasizes the importance of repair, which means taking responsibility for one's actions, apologizing, and making amends when necessary. While seemingly an easy concept to apply, it can be incredibly difficult to open up to our vulnerabilities and express such feelings. We may mean it and want to verbalize these moments of repair, however, past hurts and experiences may make it difficult to express such moments out loud. If you are finding yourself struggling with this, you are not alone. In fact, many folks seeking out therapy know what or how they would like to make changes in their life and relationships, however, they find it too difficult to identify or resolve such roadblocks. You do not have to navigate this journey alone. Connect with us today to see if you might benefit from speaking to a therapist today.
Practical application: To apply this concept, couples can practice taking a step back during conflicts and working to repair the relationship. This may involve taking ownership of one's mistakes, expressing genuine remorse, and making a plan for moving forward. We often suggest taking time out from conflicts, writing down personal thoughts and feelings, writing down what you think is your partner’s thoughts and feelings, and coming back together to have a calm and reparative conversation.
In conclusion, Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy model can be a powerful tool for improving your relationship. By understanding the attachment bond, using emotions as a guide, practicing validation, and prioritizing repair, couples can strengthen their bond and build a more secure relationship. If you are struggling with relationship issues, seeking out couples therapy can be a helpful step toward building a stronger, healthier relationship. Contact us today for a free 15-minute consultation.
Judy is the founder and clinical director of Your Story Counselling Services, A private practice clinic in Vaughan Ontario servicing individuals, couples, and families across the Greater Toronto Area. As a Psychotherapist and Clinical Supervisor, Judy is passionate about creating change and making mental health services more safe and accessible to the public. Judy believes in working collaboratively with others so that they can get back to themselves and their preferred way of life and living.
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